why do i do the things i do?

it started out as an accident, really. i decided to give up all things caffeine for Lent. why? i don’t know. i had never participated in the Lenten tradition before, so why now?

in the previous couple of months my life had taken a dramatic change of course. my husband of nearly 22 years decided he wanted a divorce. (and came clean about having an affair) i had decided to become a facilitator for the Celebrate Recovery program that was starting at my church. i had participated in CR previously and it had been life changing and i knew i needed CR now more than ever.

for the first time in my life i was alone and responsible for our three sons, Allen-Michael, Joshua, and Joseph. responsible for the budgeting and the bill paying. for everything. normally this kind of stress would make me turn to food for comfort.

so why did i decide to give up two of my very favorite things in the world at that time? coke zero and iced hazelnut coffee. i couldn’t tell you, but i did.

and for that forty days i drank ice water.

and i started losing weight.

so i kept drinking water, even after the Easter holiday. about that same time, my friend Scott started a blog about his weight loss journey. he was extremely honest about where he started, what his goals were and what he was doing to achieve them. he had already lost a significant amount of weight at this point and inspired me to make some further changes, like adding exercise to my routine.

i decided i needed to revamp my diet as well. i had already made changes for health reasons, but needed to be more aware of my calories, so my friend Sara suggested i use my fitness pal, an online and mobile app, to help me keep track of my caloric intake and calories burned. Sara also gave me some great ideas for snacks that are low calorie, high fiber, high protein and easy on the pocket book to add more variety to my diet.

i started out at 268 pounds.

today i weigh 217 pounds. my goal is to be able to comfortably fit into my wedding dress. (not get married, mind you) i am thinking that will look like another 50 or so pounds of weight loss.

the question now is why am i still pursuing the weight loss that started out as an accident? because i am not who i once was. i am not switching one addiction for another. i am on a quest to fill the hole in my heart with God’s perfect love. not food, not drugs, not men or sex.

i am becoming the Pamela, God wants me to be.