on december 9, 2012, my husband of 21 years told me he wanted a divorce. at this point we had been reconciled for 2 years after a nearly 4 year separation (our third). at this point all of the sordid details do not matter. after nearly 11 months of attorneys and back and forth, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. the end is very near. finally some peace for my sons and i.
i thought i would feel better, the closer it got to being over. the truth is, i feel like i am on a never ending roller coaster with no way of stopping it. my emotions are all over the place. i am struggling with my past addictions and finding value in who i am by switching addictions from day to day. stuffing emotions with food, looking for comfort and self worth in my relationship with a man in my life. God in His wisdom keeps us apart. and then i get angry and project it onto my friend. the one person who usually doesn’t judge me. the one who has been where i am. the one i know i can never be with because i am not healthy enough to be with anyone right now, nor do i want to be in a committed relationship at this point. one of the very few people on this earth that i can trust with everything.
so much of this year has been about submission. to God, mostly. also to other’s boundaries and learning how to be in healthy relationships/friendships. there has been so much pain in the growing. yet i am so thankful to my friend for the hard lessons he has taught me. he does not let me get away with anything. and that is a good thing. God is using him to teach me how i can just be me.
i have to be accountable for my actions. I am so very sorry. I was wrong and i was selfish. yesterday i put my wants and needs ahead of his feelings. i spoke out of anger, instead of asking questions. i assumed. instead of making his life easier, i added more stress to it. the very last thing i intended to do. please forgive me, as i am learning to just be me.
Becoming Pamela 
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